I know a lot of people would shoot me for this, but I like Nickelback. People have been shot for less, so I’m not just using this for hyperbole. I swear I have a point. In a world where people are constantly being attacked for their positions on many things, does it matter what you think of yourself. Should I just give up and believe the many things I hear about myself?
I have to remind myself of what I really am. Because the world is constantly telling me what I’m not-not thin enough, not smart enough, not funny enough, not successful enough, not happy enough, not sexy enough, not conservative enough, not liberal enough. You get the picture.
I have to remind myself of what I really am. A young person, with so many options for what I have to do with my life. And it is bloody overwhelming. Let me tell you, even on a Saturday night, I have to think about my choices, and decisions, and they might not be big ones, but they will affect me for a lot longer than people might care to admit. A single choice can change everything. To hit send or not, to smile or not, to skip that class or not, to apply for that position or not, to cross the road or not, and the all important question- to just _ one more. That’s the addicts’ thought isn’t it?
I am an addict. I know it. It affects my performance in my daily life, I have a problem, I have it under control I say to myself 80% of the time. But I know I really don’t. No matter how innocuous my addiction seems, it is impacting my life. And I know it is not mind-altering, but it definitely fucks up my plans and impacts my life negatively. But, it’s the only thing that allows me to not hate myself. Isn’t that every addicts’ claim? That is makes them not care?
But for me, I’m fully conscious when I decide to engage with my addiction. I am not clouding my mind. So does that make me better or worse than a person snorting cocaine? I honestly can’t say. I have no idea what I’m doing.
So I just sit and remind myself of who I am, what I’ve done in my life. Of the people who love me, of the people I could love. I think of the future I want. I remind myself, you’re beautiful. You can change your body, it will happen when you finally stop feeling sorry for yourself and go do something about it. You are more than your body. But you do need to stop treating your body like this. Because it’s all you’ve got. Your body and mind, and one day, your mind might suffer immeasurably because of how you ignored your body.
So be body-positive, love your many curves. Love your extra-wide feet, love your ears, love your bulging tummy, but do not forget that if you really loved yourself, you would try to make sure that you wouldn’t keep filling the holes in your soul with food, music and television. You want to get better, even though you love how comfortable your body is, you know you’re putting so much pressure on your body. On top of your constantly stressed state, you have to stop adding to the physical stress on your body every time you eat something when you’re not hungry, or stay in bed for hours, only getting up to pee. You love trees and mornings, and the peace of quiet nature, so just fucking go for a walk you fucked-up, beautiful mess. You need to take your own advice. Because we all know your advice is kinda the best.
You’re an okay person with interesting opinions, a weird, but existent sense of humour, you can’t sing to save your life, and you will one day be where you want to be. For now, you’re just making the most of each day, and that’s alright too. It’s perfectly alright to just be who you are, and not change yourself just because you feel like you’re not enough, or too much.